Guilty

I spent the last couple of weeks trying to decide if I should share the reason for some guilt I experienced a short time ago.

And honesty is the best policy, right?

So, here I go.

A couple of weeks ago I hit this weird space with my kids.

I just didn’t like them.

I love them, totally and completely.

Even when they’re climbing the walls, starting fights, and disobeying, I love them fiercely.

But, a couple of weeks ago I found myself just not enjoying their presence.

I was over the fighting.

I was over the disobedience.

I was over the disrespect.

I was just over it.

OVER IT.

It’s not because I needed a break, or needed a glass of wine.

I was just feeling the reality of love and like with these little people that I raise day in and day out.

And, even though I’m aware it’s normal to feel those things, and that it doesn’t diminish my love for them, I felt immense guilt.

Am I a bad mom because I experience dislike towards them?

If I share this feeling with my friends, will they think less of me?

I am obviously doing something wrong if I feel this way, right?

I literally sat enveloped in guilt as I waded through it.

Finally, I decided to put myself out there with some trusted friends, who I know would push back if my disposition was sinful.

I literally hit send with a message saying, “anybody else have those days where you just don’t like your kids, or is it just me?”

I received a simple, yet powerful reply, “it’s not just you.”

Simple, encouraging, and an ‘I see you’ demeanor.

It didn’t make my guilt go away.

And it wasn’t suddenly rainbows and butterflies.

But, I just felt like someone else knew.