We’ve been on a journey with our youngest middle, Banshee.
Over the last few weeks we have experienced many ups and downs with her reactions to things, her inability to bring herself back down, and her skin and auditory sensitivities.
And the instance with the macaroni and cheese was a tipping point: https://lardcupcakes.com/2022/02/23/trauma-seek-and-find/
So, with the continued outbursts and my lacking knowledge and know-how, it was clear it was time to see our art therapist again.
I made an appointment and in we went.
Because it had been a little bit since her last session, Banshee asked me to stay with her for the beginning.
I obliged and used that time to recap her ups and downs with her therapist.
Once she was comfortable, she was fine with me stepping out of the room.
When she was done, I was called back in for a recap.
Banshee excitedly showed me the artwork she did to help her build confidence, which is now taped to her bedroom wall right by her bed – per her request.
Her session recap consisted of recognizing her progress, but also what was really lying beneath what visibly looked like anger.
Her therapist told me that her expression of sadness looks like anger.
She is sad.
It absolutely broke my heart.
She’s been experiencing high levels of sadness and I had no idea, especially when it’s masked as anger.
I honestly thought she was just a really tightly wound kiddo who needed moments to express her anger or frustration, so it was a bit of a surprise that sadness was the real culprit.
My little girl has been carrying around such a big emotion that she neither understands how to manage nor interpret its internal turmoil.
Her therapist continued and informed me that while in their session they dug into those emotions but Banshee said, “I don’t want to feel those big feelings.”
I cried.
How heavy this feeling must weigh to her.
Then the internal questions come.
How much of her feelings are due to me (my parenting)?
Of what part do I need to claim ownership?
When have I minimized her response to something because I couldn’t see the real deal?
*deep breath*
Do I blame myself?
Yeah, some. Specifically with respect to taking responsibility for my part.
Is that wrong?
Not necessarily.
As parents we have an effect on our children and it’s important we take ownership even when it shows our downfalls.
They will learn how to navigate their external and internal world from our modeling.
That coupled with their own personality leaning, they develop an understanding on how to interpret life and its many moments.
As I work on owning my part of her, she is working on understanding, reconnecting, and grounding her emotions.
Raising kids is hard, but worth the work – both for them and you.
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