After we shared the news of our miscarriage with our girls, Sprite and Banshee both asked me a question.
Banshee’s came as we were loading the van to head out of town on our already planned trip.
She sweetly and curiously asked me why the baby in my belly died.
Keep in mind, this wasn’t 15 minutes after sharing the news.
I was still pretty raw.
But, she’s 5, her question was innocent.
I took a breath in so I could answer her without sobbing.
“Sweetie, I don’t know. Usually when babies die early in the belly, it means something didn’t come together just right, so the baby didn’t grow like they should.”
“Oh…ok.”
Just a curious question, from an innocent child.
Later, as we were on the road, Sprite had a question.
“Mom, where is the baby?”
I think I know what she’s trying to ask.
“Help me understand a little more.”
“Well, to get to heaven, you have to be a christian, but she isn’t, so where is she?”
“Are you asking that since you know you have to choose Jesus to be in heaven when you die, but she didn’t have a chance to choose, where could she be?”
“Yes.”
“That’s a good question. Here’s what I think. You can only choose God when you understand sin, repentance, and the gift of Jesus. But, she didn’t have an opportunity to do that. Now, though I hope this never happens, if something were to happen to Torpedo right now and she were to die, where do you think she would go?”
“I think she would be with Jesus.” She said confidently.
“I do too. Torpedo can’t communicate all the things she needs; she really just throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, and doesn’t fully understand right and wrong. Do you think she could make the choice to choose Jesus at her age?”
“No.”
“Right. She can’t. But, I think our God is gracious and merciful, and would extend His gift of life forever with Him to her. What do you think?”
“I think the same thing.”
Fast forward to about 2 weeks later, I was talking with a friend at our church. She was checking in on me and I shared this interaction with Sprite with her.
In response she shared a scripture reference with me that comforted her when she experienced the same.
Here’s the passage:
Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate. His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!” He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
2 Samuel 12:20-23 emphasis mine.
This passage is the account after David was informed of his son’s death following his sin of adultery and murder, and his son’s sickness and death as a consequence of it.
The italicized part is David verbalizing his son is dead and he will not return to him here on earth, but that upon his death, he will go to him.
After I read this, I sat down with my oldest, Sprite, read this to her and talked specifically about that last part I italicized.
It fully answers Sprite’s question.
Just like David’s son is with God, so are our babies.
They will not return to us, but we will go to them.
It’s a beautiful picture of God’s grace and mercy and this passage gave us the assurance and peace that they are with their creator, and someday we will go to them.
I do wish this never happened, but it has shown me some beautiful things.
God has been kind and blessed my relationship with my girls.
They feel comfortable asking me hard, emotion-evoking questions, and trusting I will provide them an honest answer.
This grief provided an opportunity for me to sit down with my oldest and show her where to find answers to difficult circumstances.
Beauty.
It’s there.
Even when we grieve.
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